Sunday, February 28, 2010
I thought I was going to escape the February Blues this year. I got through my birthday alone---no husband---he hoped to beat the big snowstorm, but it came faster than originally predicted. He would have had to take off work Friday in order to make it. He has to give a lot more notice than 24 hours unless its illness or death. Being with your wife on the weekend before her birthday hardly qualifies as an emergency. ( For the record:my wonderful husband sent me beautiful flowers. I am NOT one of those women who say it's a waste to spend money on something that's just going to wilt and die. I believe that the beauty they add to a home and a person's life for even a brief time is worth evey penny. But then I LOVE flowers. And most of the white daisies and tiny lavender carnations are still "prettying up" the house in vases. The roses and tiger lilies and misc. greenery are gone, but while they lasted, they were beautiful.)
No school that day---snow. But I drove the 30 minutes to school anyhow, except--- I drove past it. I had to go to a near-by town to pay my respects to Lexie--the beautiful teen we lost in a car crash. I got there earlier than the other teachers I was to meet. But Abby found me. Abby was Lexi's best friend. Ahhh---Abbie---another special teen-age girl--one of the students who reaffirms why I became a teacher. (Too bad that getting bigger each year is the number of students who make me wonder, "What in the world was I thinking?!")
That day I turned 56. My teacher friends and I had a communication break-down. My closest teacher friend thought she'd told me about the change of plans---we were to go to the music teacher's home to see it---it's her post divorce digs. But I didn't get that message and thus when I looked around and they were gone, I didn't know where to go. So I drove home and ate bacon, eggs, and toast. Then I went and bought myself a birthday cake. And I didn't feel angry or sad. I didn't cry. I was proud of myself. When the snow kept coming and school kept being canceled, I just snuggled up with my cats and did fine. No big depression---no crying over missing Dad and Mom. "I did good."
Then back to school and bam! It hit me! Nine more years of this teaching---something I so wanted. But it's gotten tough---really tough.
Then last night and my oldest grandson's birthday party. My ex's parents were there. They were the best friends of my parents when my ex was 21 and I was 19. Both sets of parents thought T. and I were right for each other. One wedding, two children, and a dissolution in a court house lasting all of 10 minutes 19 years and 10 months later,we all admitted defeat. The parents stayed friends---played bridge. But as the toughness of my situation became more evident to my parents, the harder it was for them to act like everything was fine. It wasn't. So in the end, they unofficially parted ways.
My parents are gone now to heaven. His are still here on earth. The situation wasn't such that I felt I could keep in touch with them. But I've missed them. They were my friends before I met him. I always thought it was unfair that I had to give them up too, especially since if given a choice, I wouldn't have given any of it up. But such is life. With the help of my parents, teenage son, and several wonderful women friends who T. hadn't liked, I picked up the pieces of my life, went back to work, to college, and got my act together enough to contact my high school sweetheart. We have been happily married for 11 and 1/2 years now.
But last night I ended up alone at a table with my ex-in-laws and I listened to my ex-mother-in-law's stories. And I laughed like I always laughed at her stories. My dad especially loved them. And you know what? Today I've got the February Blues. Yep, somehow my annual depression sneaked in the door, uninvited and unwanted. But he's here. And the tears are flowing for a lot of reasons. However, just to be very clear, I am not mourning my first marriage. I long ago moved on and in fact something he did last night made me glad I wasn't leaving with him. Actually that happens just about every time I'm around him--- I literally thank God that I'm not T's wife anymore---that I'm Mike's wife.
I'm grieving, but not for that. Mostly I'm missing my parents--both of them. How I could use his hug and her words! You just never get too old to miss them. Last night I did envy my ex. He had his parents there with our son and our grandchildren---they're great-grandchildren. I didn't. So the tears flow. And the snow's here AGAIN and the prospect of making up snow days with Saturday school or an additional hour added to days that have felt incredibly long this week is ---well depressing.
I know that at times like this I should grab my Bible or my devotion book or turn on a Joyce Meyers CD. Maybe I will, after I cry a bit longer. I believe that tears can be cathartic. I fought off the depression all those days home alone and was so proud of it, yet I'm still behind on my school stuff even after being home 10 days of school! Why? Maybe because he got in here anyhow and did more damage because I refused to cry---to let myself feel the February Blues.
Maybe next year I'll just open the door for him like I've done in previous years, let the tears flow, lose a day or two, and then move on. He seems bent on coming ---he's been visiting since I was 15. So why was I so bent on not allowing the visit this year? I always get through it and am more productive after the visit. So why fight it? Don't know. Don't have any answers tonight, only the February Blues.