Grandchildren as babes. I don't have a baby picture of C who is 11.
A. is now 17-months-old
P. is now 7 years old.
They have to hold and cuddle the baby
Breathing in the soft scent of powder and lotion
I am not that way.
I am not drawn to the most recent addition
to couples present at my grandchildren's birthday parties
I do not cradle the baby in my arms
while a sanguine smile perches on my face
That's someone else, not me
SHE irritates me when she does that.
There's something about that smile that troubles me.
I've seen it before directed at my family and me
That family is part hers now
she is married to my ex-husband
I save my arms and smiles for my grandchildren
But then I was blessed early with them
They are hers in name, but not blood
Though now she has one who shares her lineage
So maybe the smile will be different
How do I sound?
I don't know
I forgave them
I forgave myself
I share willingly now
But memories don't easily go away
Photos stay in my head
long after they have been put away in a box
like the photo of her curling my daughter's hair
in the bathroom that my daughter and I had shared
in the house that was legally mine--
my name on the title
I can close my eyes and see every detail
I can still hear the clatter of pots and pans in the background
as I spoke on the phone with my daughter
She was in my kitchen
using my pots and pans
items I left for my teenage daughter to use
Instead she was using them to cook dinner
for my daughter
My daughter is grown
and has a husband and a son
She has room for both her and me
which is how it should be
how I want it to be
God just whispered,
"You and I still have some work to do.
Be still and listen
Know I am your God;
I can provide peace and comfort.
Together we will deal with the memories
and the fear that you might do something wrong
and lose again.
An irrational fear
but no less real."
I am ready to be still and listen.
Be still and know that I am God. . . Psalm 46:10
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.
Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
For the Lord shall be thy confidence.
Proverbs 3: 5, 6, 26a
This is my contribution to imperfect prose on thursdays