Reflections

Grandchildren as babes. I don't have a baby  picture of C who is 11.

A. is now 17-months-old

P. is now 7 years old.

D. is now 5.

The Irish Lass is now 3.

What is there about a baby that reaches out and clutches your heartstrings?

There are women who ooh and aahh over every baby they see

They have to hold and cuddle the baby

Breathing in the soft scent of powder and lotion

and innocence

I am not that way.

I am not drawn to the most recent addition

to couples present at my grandchildren's birthday parties

I do not cradle the baby in my arms

while a sanguine smile perches on my face

That's someone else, not me

SHE irritates me when she does that.

There's something about that smile that troubles me.

I've seen it before directed at my family and me

That family is part hers now

she is married to my ex-husband

I save my arms and smiles for my grandchildren

But then I was blessed early with them

They are hers in name, but not blood

Though now she has one who shares her lineage

So maybe the smile will be different

How do I sound?

I don't know

I forgave them

I forgave myself

and

I share willingly now

But memories don't easily go away

Photos stay in my head

long after they have been put away in a box

like the photo of her curling my daughter's hair

in the bathroom that my daughter and I had shared

in the house that was legally mine--

my name on the title

I can close my eyes and see every detail

I can still hear the clatter of pots and pans in the background 

as I spoke on the phone with my daughter

She was in my kitchen

using my pots and pans

items I left for my teenage daughter to use

Instead she was using them to cook dinner

for my daughter

My daughter is grown

and has a husband and a son

She has room for both her and me

which is how it should be

how I want it to be

God just whispered,

"You and I still have some work to do.

Be still and listen

Know I am your God;

I can provide peace and comfort.

Together we will deal with the memories

and the fear that you might do something wrong

and lose again.

An irrational fear

but no less real."

I am ready to be still and listen.

Be still and know that I am God. . .  Psalm 46:10

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 14:27

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

For the Lord shall be thy confidence.

Proverbs 3: 5, 6, 26a

This is my contribution to imperfect prose on thursdays