Saturday, May 15, 2010

What would she have worn?

We'll never know what she would have worn tomorrow night at the Prom.  We know it would have been sexy.  Someone would have whispered catty words of "Bit too tight, don't ya think?" or "What do you want to bet one of them falls out of the top of her dress before the night is out?"
But I would have loved the dress, told her she looked beautiful and meant it.  I would have turned a deaf ear to the cattiness. The Lexi's of this world will always bring out the cats. But thankfully that doesn't stop the Lexi's from being who they are.  Real, Honest, Irreverent, Reverent, Trusting, Caring for others, but not caring what others thought--well maybe caring and maybe hurting, but still determined to be themselves.
Tears well up in my eyes as I write this.  She was one of the students who made taking all the crud from some of the others worth it.  A hug, a wink, and that sound she made as if I was her horse and my world would shine brighter instantly.
She would have been beautiful and I would have been out there dancing with her and relishing that deep laugh of hers.
Instead the dance floor will be empty even when full.  I'll most likely end up holding her best friend as she sobs (and others will hold her too).  Just yesterday, I held A. in the hallway as tears flowed.   Then I found an empty room where we could talk. English teacher/mother--that's my title and I can't be the first one without being the latter).
Looking forward to tomorrow night, yet dreading it.  She should be there. 
Today I passed the cross they erected in the field where her car came to rest on that February morning.  It's white and plastered with messages--mine included.  The white makes sense--the black marker shows up.  But it should be neon pink or orange or purple or a combination---something no one would miss, just like no one would ever be in a room with her and not know she was there.  She loved bright colors; she loved life, and she lived her life to the fullest every day until her last when she took a curve too fast.
I had meant to take my camera to school that week.  For some reason I wanted a picture of her and me and one of her and her two BBF's.  Why? Did I sense something?  I don't know.  I do know that I didn't get those pictures and now I can't.  A lesson I hit and miss with as I maneuver this life of mine: When I get a strong feeling to do something, I need to DO IT!
Sometime next week I will post pictures of her BBF's and me.  You won't see the hole in the group hug--the gaping hole---that hole won't be visible even to our eyes. But we will FEEL it!  Oh how we will feel it!

My post about her death is here.

The principal suggested that the English teachers work with the students to  help them "write through this."
There are only two of us and I'm the one who had her in class.  So the task was mine.  She and her two best buddies sat in a back corner together.  I permitted that because they worked better and were much less disruptive if they were together.  So that first week after two weeks of being snowed in after her death, A. and J. worked on this bulletin board in the art room.  They weren't yet ready to sit in my room without her and I understood that.  Students are still adding to the bulletin board---I need to take another picture of it.
The last picture here is a blurry one I took of her memorial bulletin.  The picture was her class picture from last year.  The other one is more accurate--more recent.
Neither does her justice.  But I'm not sure any photo could capture the essence of Lexi. We'll never know.


  1. one good thing is in the helping eachother deal with such loss.

  2. I am so sorry. I've been there. I think losing a student at that age-- when they are so full of that glowing energy that only a teenager possesses is so painful. I know several Lexis. My heart goes out to you and to all of her friends and family.

    Absolute saddest moment as a teacher- crossing a student out of a gradebook and seeing that empty desk every day.

    Bless you.

  3. She was very pretty. When you are typing your post, take your cursor to the beginning of the word you want to link. Then drag across the word to highlight it. While it's highlighted, click on the hyperlink symbol (it looks like a globe with a paperclip on top). Pull up another version of the internet and open your blog there. Find the post you want to link and click on the post title. When you do this, the web address should be for that particular post, not for your blog as a whole. Copy the blog address and paste it in the hyperlink space in the post you were doing. This sounds pretty confusing when you read it, but I'll bet if you start to walk through it you'll figure it out.

  4. I hear your heart for your students and that is such a gift. Such a beautiful smile ...

  5. So sorry, dear. I can hardly imagine. But, I'm also very pleased that the Lord has you in that place at this time to touch the hearts of those young ones who are walking through this painful stretch ... including all those end-of-school-year events that bring so much excitement -- and they count on for joy...


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