Saturday, May 15, 2010
What would she have worn?
We'll never know what she would have worn tomorrow night at the Prom. We know it would have been sexy. Someone would have whispered catty words of "Bit too tight, don't ya think?" or "What do you want to bet one of them falls out of the top of her dress before the night is out?"
But I would have loved the dress, told her she looked beautiful and meant it. I would have turned a deaf ear to the cattiness. The Lexi's of this world will always bring out the cats. But thankfully that doesn't stop the Lexi's from being who they are. Real, Honest, Irreverent, Reverent, Trusting, Caring for others, but not caring what others thought--well maybe caring and maybe hurting, but still determined to be themselves.
Tears well up in my eyes as I write this. She was one of the students who made taking all the crud from some of the others worth it. A hug, a wink, and that sound she made as if I was her horse and my world would shine brighter instantly.
She would have been beautiful and I would have been out there dancing with her and relishing that deep laugh of hers.
Instead the dance floor will be empty even when full. I'll most likely end up holding her best friend as she sobs (and others will hold her too). Just yesterday, I held A. in the hallway as tears flowed. Then I found an empty room where we could talk. English teacher/mother--that's my title and I can't be the first one without being the latter).
Looking forward to tomorrow night, yet dreading it. She should be there.
Today I passed the cross they erected in the field where her car came to rest on that February morning. It's white and plastered with messages--mine included. The white makes sense--the black marker shows up. But it should be neon pink or orange or purple or a combination---something no one would miss, just like no one would ever be in a room with her and not know she was there. She loved bright colors; she loved life, and she lived her life to the fullest every day until her last when she took a curve too fast.
I had meant to take my camera to school that week. For some reason I wanted a picture of her and me and one of her and her two BBF's. Why? Did I sense something? I don't know. I do know that I didn't get those pictures and now I can't. A lesson I hit and miss with as I maneuver this life of mine: When I get a strong feeling to do something, I need to DO IT!