All doors in my 1915 Craftsman style "lady" who graces me with a quirky shelter--my "home away from home for 4 years this August"
My head throbs.
The pain courses through my body.
I'm trying not to listen.
Then should I?
Would it be best to take a muscle relaxer --
the one that mixes gently with a non-narcotic pain killer and eventually soothes me to sleep?
Normally I would.
But tonight my head tells me this is the difficult headache.
This is the one that comes with
too little sleep,
too much work,
A trip to Cincinnati
from my small town
Four hours of driving one way.
sleeping as if drugged
(without being drugged)
not a "good" sleep.
Then:not truly awakening
until late afternoon--
Yet--if you look at me you would think
up and moving,
but still-- moving.
Want to know
Ask me a question.
Expect an answer.
Wait some more.
"Uh, hey, are you there?"
[yea, i'm here-- somewhere--not quite sure where though]
"Well, could you answer me?"
[no, i can't.]
"But, I need an answer---now."
[wish i could]
I know where I am.
Yet you can't see where I am,
so why should I try to tell you?
I can't describe where I am.
WELL --I could try
even the mention of this place might
You don't want to hear about it.
Is it fear of entering that place and not finding a way out?
Is it fear of feeling guilty?
Might you actually feel a need to do something?
The tough task--yes, that one
take a deep breath,
and wait---just wait.
Forget for just a few moments
about all you need to do
and wait--just wait
while I figure out the words
that are there
somewhere in my head.
Lose the impatience--
that only shoves me deeper into that place.
If you use the right tone
sigh the right sigh (over the phone)
or give me "the right look" (if you're with me)
I will scramble for cover
end up in a corner
angry (this is all metaphorical you---I'm not aiming at anyone nor do I literally hide) .
God wants me to attempt an explaination,
Tonight I'm in that fibro--in- between--world
Can't find the door to REM -the sleep one, not the music group!:)
But the door to full awareness is jammed --
as if it's warped from moisture---change in the weather.
Warped--I'm smiling now---I just came up with another word for having fibromyalgia---being a
warped door (in my case "a been around awhile" door).
The warped door is still functional--still worth keeping---it still opens and shuts---
Granted--you have to shove against it with full body weight
Tug until you're convinced your shoulder has been displaced.
But---hey--you eventually get the door shut or open.
Want to take it off its hinges
Perhaps it would make a quirky headboard?
Surely there's another use for it.
a good door.
Even beautiful in certain light
together they make the door--well--
the special door that it is.
That's my world--a bit warped--but still beautiful
Be patient with those you know who suffer with chronic pain.
Look "real hard" for the beauty in the:
scratches (edgy, cranky tone/mannerisms-signs the pain level is up)
chipped paint(the lines/wrinkle--wear and tear of pain; puffiness, weight gain--meds)
dents (the memory lapse--multiple reasons)
mottled color(when effort to put on makeup is too much--exhausted-but out of bed; stress rash--they're trying to"it together")
and you might just get a glimpse
(An important note: I do not pity myself nor do I want pity. I don't sit around saying, "Why me, God?" There have been times in the past when I did that. Waste of time, precious time. Now, I try to do what I know will help me feel better. Tonight it was to write.)