Friday, April 9, 2010

The warped door

All doors in my 1915 Craftsman style "lady" who graces me with a quirky shelter--my "home away from home for 4 years this August"

My head throbs.
eyes burn.

neck tenses.

The pain courses through my body.

I'm trying not to listen.

Then should I?

Would it be best to take a muscle relaxer --

the one that mixes gently with a non-narcotic pain killer and eventually soothes me to sleep?

Normally I would.

But tonight my head tells me this is the difficult headache.
This is the one that comes with

too little sleep,

too much work,

-----Getting Off-balance.

A trip to Cincinnati

from my small town

is responsible--

does it

every time.
Four hours of driving one way.

once there--antsy--wired

from coffee



Then: finally

sleeping as if drugged

(without being drugged)

not a "good" sleep.

Then:not truly awakening

until late afternoon--

Yet--if you look at me you would think

I'm awake.

After all:

I'm dressed,

up and moving,


but still-- moving.

Want to know

the test

will reveal

the truth?
Ask me a question.

Expect an answer.

Wait some more.

"Uh, hey, are you there?"
[yea, i'm here-- somewhere--not quite sure where though]

"Well, could you answer me?"
[no, i can't.]

"But, I need an answer---now."
[wish i could]

The truth?

I know where I am.

Yet you can't see where I am,

so why should I try to tell you?

I can't describe where I am.

WELL --I could try
probably won't.
Why not?

even the mention of this place might
irritate you.
You don't want to hear about it.


Is it fear of entering that place and not finding a way out?
Is it fear of feeling guilty?

Might you actually feel a need to do something?

The tough task--yes, that one

Slow down,
take a deep breath,
and wait---just wait.
Forget for just a few moments
about all you need to do
and wait--just wait
while I figure out the words
that are there
somewhere in my head.
Lose the impatience--
that only shoves me deeper into that place.

If you use the right tone

sigh the right sigh (over the phone)

or give me "the right look" (if you're with me)

I will scramble for cover

end up in a corner


And you
angry (this is all metaphorical you---I'm not aiming at anyone nor do I literally hide) .

God wants me to attempt an explaination,

so (sigh)

I will.
Tonight I'm in that fibro--in- between--world
Can't find the door to REM -the sleep one, not the music group!:)

But the door to full awareness is jammed --

as if it's warped from moisture---change in the weather.

Warped--I'm smiling now---I just came up with another word for having fibromyalgia---being a
warped door (in my case "a been around awhile" door).

The warped door is still functional--still worth keeping---it still opens and shuts---
Granted--you have to shove against it with full body weight


Tug until you're convinced your shoulder has been displaced.

But---hey--you eventually get the door shut or open.

True--you're frustrated.
Want to take it off its hinges
Perhaps it would make a quirky headboard?
Surely there's another use for it.

But it's
a good door.

It's unique

Even beautiful in certain light

the scratches,
chipped paint,
mottled color--

together they make the door--well--

the special door that it is.
That's my world--a bit warped--but still beautiful



Be patient with those you know who suffer with chronic pain.
Look "real hard" for the beauty in the:

scratches (edgy, cranky tone/mannerisms-signs the pain level is up)

chipped paint(the lines/wrinkle--wear and tear of pain; puffiness, weight gain--meds)

dents (the memory lapse--multiple reasons)

mottled color(when effort to put on makeup is too much--exhausted-but out of bed; stress rash--they're trying to"it together")

and you might just get a glimpse
of what
God sees

(An important note: I do not pity myself nor do I want pity. I don't sit around saying, "Why me, God?" There have been times in the past when I did that. Waste of time, precious time. Now, I try to do what I know will help me feel better. Tonight it was to write.)


  1. with hand on the doorknob pondering ...

  2. I can tell you're a treasure. Good insight, good "eye"sight.

  3. I don't have a chronic pain issue -- but do seem to have more and more "brain" trouble -- can't pull words out quickly enough, can't think of the right words at the right time. Sometimes I just have to keep reminding myself that in spite of my various and sundry weaknesses and flaws, my dear Father will fill in the gaps. [And then there's always heaven.]


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