Fear of Paperwork, Psalms, and the Monday Prayer

sometimes i feel like multiple branches of a tree

shooting this way and that

i try to stop and reach out to my God

but the hardest day to do that is sunday

i see a forest of lines dissecting my life

deadlines

responsibilities not yet met

lists only cause guilt

setting items out only clutter the table

and my mind even more

nothing guarantees they get done

until the final deadline looms

or i've missed it

and must scramble

i have a fear of  paperwork

a hang-up

my fibro fog plays into it

but i can trace back to when

the laid-back procrastination

became cold-chills panic

it was my daughter's accident

and the medical bills piled up

i was taking care of her needs

and running the household

yet the insurance tangle

was my problem also

finally our credit was threatened

which was silly

because we had the money

i went to my mother

three doors up

and burst into sobs

she took the piles

from my house

to hers

her dining room table was covered

for three days

she sorted, organized, threw out

i was then able to make calls

and write checks

i don't think my now-ex

ever forgave me

for that mess

i think i knew that somehow all that paperwork

was going to destroy my marriage

my marriage ended a year later

it took me years to forgive him

for burdening me with everything

but holding the hose

when i washed her  waist length hair on a table

in the heated garage

(she had a metal halo screwed into her head in four places

making normal tasks more difficult)

yes, holding that garden hose

and emptying the garbage pail of water

helped

but not enough

so now lesson plans loom--

principal will observe me this week

an order for 31 needs to be sent--

i'm supposedly a consultant

an order is needed to make it official

several cards are beyond ridiculously late
simply because i wouldn't send them without a letter

a package needs returned
just fill out paper
take to ups

bills have been paid--thankfully

but it was a scramble

again silly

for the money was waiting in the checking account

there's got to be a better way

and

it's time to end the fear


Note added later:The above is more about my frustration with my reluctance to do these
tasks on time.  Every task listed is doable and can be broken down into intervals
yet I don't.  It's easy for me to become overwhelmed and actually fearful.  That's not right.

I'm also not saying that the accident and the insurance pile is culprit.  I simply remember that particular
situation as the one that 'got out of hand'.  I am not blaming the accident or the ex.

More than anything I'm writing my thoughts and feelings and searching for an answer.
And before anyone suggests that I'm spending too much time on the Internet, I'm not. 
It's not that I'm sitting at the computer for hours surfing blogs, because I'm not.  I do limit my time.

Exhaustion, fibro fatigue, fibro fog, fibro depression deplete my body to the point
everything takes much longer for me.
I can just hear my one brother's thoughts right now about what I should do,
and I don't think I will ever be able to explain how it's just not that simple for me.

I'm trying to express that 'doing' isn't that simple for me,
and
that's frustrating.

meanwhile i still read psalms

and still offer up the monday prayer

The Psalms:

The Lord listens and heeds when I call to Him.

Psalm 4:3

The Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord receives my prayer.

Psalm 6:9

Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths.

Guide me in Your truth and faithfulness and teach me,

for You are the God of my salvation;

for You do I wait all the day long.

Psalm 25:4, 5

The Monday prayer--"See What's Right with This Picture"

Lord, I lay my worries before You

and ask for Your mighty intervention

to show me what's right when I can only see what's wrong.

I am determined to see the good,

so help me not to be blinded by my own fears, doubts, wants,

and preconceived ideas.

I ask You to reveal to me Your truth in every situation.

Bless me with the ability to understand the bigger picture

and to distinguish the valuable from the unimportant.

When something seems to go wrong, help me not to jump to negative conclusions.

Enable me to recognize the answers to my own prayers.

I trust You to help me see the light in every situation.

Amen

From Stormie Omartian

Blessings to you all as you begin your week.