Thursday, August 12, 2010


Grandchildren as babes. I don't have a baby  picture of C who is 11.

A. is now 17-months-old

P. is now 7 years old.
D. is now 5.

The Irish Lass is now 3.

What is there about a baby that reaches out and clutches your heartstrings?

There are women who ooh and aahh over every baby they see
They have to hold and cuddle the baby
Breathing in the soft scent of powder and lotion
and innocence

I am not that way.
I am not drawn to the most recent addition
to couples present at my grandchildren's birthday parties
I do not cradle the baby in my arms
while a sanguine smile perches on my face
That's someone else, not me

SHE irritates me when she does that.
There's something about that smile that troubles me.
I've seen it before directed at my family and me
That family is part hers now
she is married to my ex-husband

I save my arms and smiles for my grandchildren
But then I was blessed early with them
They are hers in name, but not blood
Though now she has one who shares her lineage
So maybe the smile will be different

How do I sound?
I don't know
I forgave them
I forgave myself
I share willingly now

But memories don't easily go away
Photos stay in my head
long after they have been put away in a box
like the photo of her curling my daughter's hair
in the bathroom that my daughter and I had shared
in the house that was legally mine--
my name on the title
I can close my eyes and see every detail

I can still hear the clatter of pots and pans in the background 
as I spoke on the phone with my daughter
She was in my kitchen
using my pots and pans
items I left for my teenage daughter to use
Instead she was using them to cook dinner
for my daughter

My daughter is grown
and has a husband and a son
She has room for both her and me
which is how it should be
how I want it to be

God just whispered,
"You and I still have some work to do.
Be still and listen
Know I am your God;
I can provide peace and comfort.
Together we will deal with the memories
and the fear that you might do something wrong
and lose again.
An irrational fear
but no less real."

I am ready to be still and listen.

Be still and know that I am God. . .  Psalm 46:10

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.
Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
For the Lord shall be thy confidence.
Proverbs 3: 5, 6, 26a

This is my contribution to imperfect prose on thursdays


  1. you sound pretty normal to me.
    better than i would be.

    good verses.

  2. So transparent and honest. God's love and tenderness shine in the face of your struggle.

  3. i love how you hear from Him. your blog makes me long for Him, more. thank you. and thank you for linking up... love to you, sweet friend.

  4. I love your honesty. You know, God is telling me these same things. I struggle but he gives stillness...
    Thank you for your comment, it's nice to meet you!

  5. P.S.
    Those babies are absolute cuteness!

  6. Your are truly honest, and I appreciate that. Thank you for putting it out there, showing us your weakness, and your love for God.

  7. It's so easy to make ourselves look perfect on a blog. But nobody is perfect. Wounded hearts sometimes take a long time to heal. And wounds leave scars. I have them, too.

    I think bitterness/forgiveness sometimes involves a lifetime of yielding, over and over, to the only One who can heal. At least that's been my experience.

    Thanks for your honest words here.

  8. This was such a transparent and sincere piece. Your strength shined through the pain.

  9. Some aspects of "life" we never anticipated can kick our tails. Healing can come, but sometimes it takes a bit longer than others... still have a couple myself. However, you are braver ... you posted what I don't have the guts to do b/c the "problem" folks would nail me big time and I don't have the guts to face it.


I welcome your thoughts. Please let me know you stopped by.