Monday, February 14, 2011

Fear of Paperwork, Psalms, and the Monday Prayer

sometimes i feel like multiple branches of a tree
shooting this way and that
i try to stop and reach out to my God
but the hardest day to do that is sunday

i see a forest of lines dissecting my life
responsibilities not yet met

lists only cause guilt
setting items out only clutter the table
and my mind even more

nothing guarantees they get done
until the final deadline looms
or i've missed it
and must scramble

i have a fear of  paperwork
a hang-up

my fibro fog plays into it
but i can trace back to when
the laid-back procrastination
became cold-chills panic

it was my daughter's accident
and the medical bills piled up

i was taking care of her needs
and running the household
yet the insurance tangle
was my problem also

finally our credit was threatened
which was silly
because we had the money

i went to my mother
three doors up
and burst into sobs

she took the piles
from my house
to hers

her dining room table was covered
for three days
she sorted, organized, threw out

i was then able to make calls
and write checks

i don't think my now-ex
ever forgave me
for that mess

i think i knew that somehow all that paperwork
was going to destroy my marriage
my marriage ended a year later

it took me years to forgive him
for burdening me with everything
but holding the hose
when i washed her  waist length hair on a table
in the heated garage
(she had a metal halo screwed into her head in four places
making normal tasks more difficult)

yes, holding that garden hose
and emptying the garbage pail of water
but not enough

so now lesson plans loom--
principal will observe me this week

an order for 31 needs to be sent--
i'm supposedly a consultant
an order is needed to make it official

several cards are beyond ridiculously late
simply because i wouldn't send them without a letter
a package needs returned
just fill out paper
take to ups

bills have been paid--thankfully
but it was a scramble
again silly
for the money was waiting in the checking account

there's got to be a better way
it's time to end the fear

Note added later:The above is more about my frustration with my reluctance to do these
tasks on time.  Every task listed is doable and can be broken down into intervals
yet I don't.  It's easy for me to become overwhelmed and actually fearful.  That's not right.

I'm also not saying that the accident and the insurance pile is culprit.  I simply remember that particular
situation as the one that 'got out of hand'.  I am not blaming the accident or the ex.

More than anything I'm writing my thoughts and feelings and searching for an answer.
And before anyone suggests that I'm spending too much time on the Internet, I'm not. 
It's not that I'm sitting at the computer for hours surfing blogs, because I'm not.  I do limit my time.

Exhaustion, fibro fatigue, fibro fog, fibro depression deplete my body to the point
everything takes much longer for me.
I can just hear my one brother's thoughts right now about what I should do,
and I don't think I will ever be able to explain how it's just not that simple for me.

I'm trying to express that 'doing' isn't that simple for me,
that's frustrating.

meanwhile i still read psalms
and still offer up the monday prayer

The Psalms:
The Lord listens and heeds when I call to Him.
Psalm 4:3

The Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord receives my prayer.
Psalm 6:9

Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths.
Guide me in Your truth and faithfulness and teach me,
for You are the God of my salvation;
for You do I wait all the day long.
Psalm 25:4, 5

The Monday prayer--"See What's Right with This Picture"

Lord, I lay my worries before You
and ask for Your mighty intervention
to show me what's right when I can only see what's wrong.
I am determined to see the good,
so help me not to be blinded by my own fears, doubts, wants,
and preconceived ideas.
I ask You to reveal to me Your truth in every situation.
Bless me with the ability to understand the bigger picture
and to distinguish the valuable from the unimportant.
When something seems to go wrong, help me not to jump to negative conclusions.
Enable me to recognize the answers to my own prayers.
I trust You to help me see the light in every situation.

From Stormie Omartian

Blessings to you all as you begin your week.


  1. Oh, this sounds awful...I hope you manage to crawl over the mountain of paper in time to enjoy a little Valentine happiness with the big guy.

  2. I'm not a fan of paper work either. Sometimes I let it go and procrastinate, and then surprise myself when I do it and it wasn't as bad as I thought!
    Hope you get some done so it's not hanging over you!

  3. I know you will find your own way through the thicket of branches... one branch at a time.

  4. I'm so sorry Beth. I pray there will be a way that you can do these things without feeling such pressure. Perhaps someone can lend a hand.
    In the meantime, wishes for a Happy Valentine's Day and a sense of peace and comfort from the One who loves you dearly.

  5. i have walls like that too.
    i bump into them all the time.


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